Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
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“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling