Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
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[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2