@MBittersweet25: Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I've lost weight... So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
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@dhumann: Psychiatrist: "Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds." Me: "So how does that make you feel?"
@squirrel74wkgn: [guy next to me at urinal] "Is that a 5 or 6?" ...about 5-1/2 I guess. "Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?" *zips up* No.
@Jade_VK: FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
@librarianfonz: There are gravy trains and boats. I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list.