@MBittersweet25: Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I've lost weight... So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@hippieswordfish: ME: *opens planner and puts on reading glasses* no im sorry looks like i can't make it FRIEND: you're holding a VCR warranty brochure
@AnniemuMary: My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn't bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
@TommyWallace: Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but- Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what
@Brianhopecomedy: I've tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.