@MBittersweet25: Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I've lost weight... So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
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@batkaren: I lovingly caress my belly. "You're expecting?" a woman asks. I smile serenely. "Just ate an amazing burrito," I tell her.
@LittlestSlobo: The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you're fighting with your brother.
@TheMichaelRock: You think 70 degrees yesterday and snow today is funny, Mother Nature? *empties 326 cans of hairspray outside* Knock that shit off!
@kentgrossarth: 'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please?' 'Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'