@shegotagronk: Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I'm in the floor hanging on for dear life.
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@OfficeofSteve: Me: The dogs ears are so soft! Wife: I know! Me: I want to make a pillow out of them Wife: ..... Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
@omically: [dentist chair] how's school? *I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn't in my mouth* oh sorry *puts hand in my mouth* how's school?
@EricMarten: It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.
@jake_likes_naps: *locks hands with stranger in elevator* im nervous, this is my first time flying