I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
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doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?