Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
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Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.