Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
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YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
WTF
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad