@daliamalek: Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it's justified.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [Meeting] *Gestures to pie chart* "Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds."
@travisauruss: Blood is thicker than water. But maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. I said it.
@iGreenMonk: My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me. At least that's one thing she has in common with my wife.
@3sunzzz: [notice son's not home] [text] Me: IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11! 17: You were my ride. Me: Oh. Where are you again?