Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
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boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.