every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
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My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
The asteroid..
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.