Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Jogging
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?