@KalvinMacleod: Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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@TheMichaelRock: *catches 4yo putting on deodorant* Me: What are you doing? 4yo: Feeding my armpits. Me....as you were.
@bridger_w: When someone says, "I haven't seen you in forever," a fun response is, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"
@Mr_Kapowski: Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer is my favorite song about how to incorrectly deal with the loss of a loved one during the holiday