Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.