Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
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As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
not seeing the problem
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me