@WilliamAder: Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
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@thenatewolf: Women are so confusing, one day they say they love hummus and then the next day they say it’s a bad birthday present.
@philyuck: I just told my dog to "say hi" to another dog. And yes, I realize that's crazy; this chihuahua obviously only speaks Spanish.
@ThoughtOtter: [blind date] OK don't let her know you're a remote control "Your eyes are beau- *sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks* DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
@AmishPornStar1: Seriously joggers?! You're gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time? And I'm all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!