Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
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My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?