If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
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Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Called it
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
May never get over this
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.