@PlatinumShower: Every time the wife pisses me off, I hollow out her tampons and pack them with strawberry Pop Rocks.
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@juneohara65: I just got a text from someone I don't know. They say they're sick and vomitting. Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
@LanieLalaBugs: If you can't tell the difference between "erotic" & "exotic" then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea. Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
@Thedudish: Last night, a cop pulled me over. "Out of the car!" he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.