@PlatinumShower: Every time the wife pisses me off, I hollow out her tampons and pack them with strawberry Pop Rocks.
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@AndrewNadeau0: 6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we'll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
@chuuew: A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him. It was an unexpected LAN slide.
@thatUPSdude: You ask me if I'm drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.
@TheMichaelRock: Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas? Me: drugs. Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.