My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
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Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…