@HeyJennyLeone: Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
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@Donna_McCoy: Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake. I need a ride home.
@Pastor_Bert: Me: are you serious? GF: yes I can't take it anymore, you're too unpredictable Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?
@KeetPotato: [at my date's front door] wait, so you've known i was a koala the whole time? "yeah" [me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf] how tho?
@GreenishDuck: You're on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words "Boxers with pockets," you say. "You'll never have to wear pants."