@HeyJennyLeone: Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
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@K_blue: Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can't fire you if they can't find you.
@Elizasoul80: I'm gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
@shahnischmani: Just heard a lady say she's been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, "doesn't your family miss you?"
@TommyKarate: Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I'm stuck in my restroom forever.