Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
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You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.