Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
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*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?