Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
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I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
🤣🤣💀
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
christening a ship with an overripe banana
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.