Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
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Room with a view.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something