Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
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I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.