kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
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My favorite farside!!
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Saw your ex at the shops
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Any refunds available?…
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!