Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
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My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
for all #parents out there