Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
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my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Still a very good boi….
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.