What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
You Might Also Like
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Leaving the Barbers like
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru