@TheTweetOfGod: Every time you sing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" I'm reminded how much I disapprove of My son's friends.
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@sploosk: THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he objectifies women ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
@momTruthBomb: I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I'm covering for Debbie this weekend.
@BuckyIsotope: Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch an ounce of ganja Jack lit up and took a puff And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
@dave_cactus: [sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES - ASK US] ME: Yes, I'm here about the sausage polishing job?