i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
You Might Also Like
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.