Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
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December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.