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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]