Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
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Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?