@EZ_G: Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
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@sip_at_home_mom: My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, 'cause his fist hurt. And he'll hear about it every Mother's Day until I die.
@rad_milk: when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
@pixelatedboat: You can't trust the mainstream media, that's why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
@stephenjmolloy: [Job interview] "Can you explain this gap in your résumé?" Me: "I fell asleep on the space key."