Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
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What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.