@EZ_G: Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
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@Dadpression: Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
@jwoodham: Every time I go for a run I think "why am I even doing this?" Then I look back and see all the cops chasing me and it's like "oh yeah, duh."
@JP_theAntiHero: Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face. I teared up a little. I get strippers, I get it.