Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
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Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
So sick of all these stupid rules
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.