Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.