Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
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My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Okay
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.