Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
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Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.