Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
You Might Also Like
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My plans: 2020: