Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
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We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*