A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
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Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair