@dizzydes86: Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I'm a jerk.
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@FrenulumBreve: [hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom] "Now give me my wife." "This is short by £2.39" [hides Mcflurry] "it's all I got."
@missmayn: My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone's facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.
@NotPeterStark: Me: "Hi, do nurses still give sponge baths?" Nurse: "Sir, you're just here for a blood pressure reading..." *pulls pants back up*
@JMScomedy: If you think I'm flirting with you, I'm just being friendly. If you think I'm weird and I make you uncomfortable, I'm flirting with you.