im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
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I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!