I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
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You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Weighing up my bread heating options
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.