Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
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Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
When you let grandma cat sit
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now