“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
You Might Also Like
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Damn he played himself
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
is this how new cars are made??
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving