“Everybody freeze!”
-November
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Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Death certificates are our last participation award.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”