WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
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ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”