That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
You Might Also Like
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”