there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
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My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee