@iamfase: Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.
Somebody is lying.
@ItsAndyRyan: WIFE: I can't believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
@egg_dog: supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
@TheBeerGuy73: *goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
@mrbuster60: "My uncle is a dead person guy". Me last night when I couldn't think of the word mortician
@rickkondell: The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.