I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
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*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
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Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming