Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
You Might Also Like
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
a fate I wish upon no one
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?