Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
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Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.