Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
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[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
These work great until they don’t.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
what’s more important?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.