Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
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Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Do not steal food from the science building!
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
“No way.” -Jose
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”